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Script

Superhero Support 

by Jeremiah Pasternak 

Superhero support group for heroes unhappy with their acquired powers (common denominator: all have acquired their powers from animal bites alla spiderman)

characters:

Rose- SKUNK, runs the meeting

Camela- CAMEL + PAMELA, 2 back humps, drools and may be a chainsmoker

Frankie the human chiuaha- eradic, shakes uncontrollably and stutters

Kitty Vegas- GAY TIGER  

Senor Sloth- slow, boring and falling asleep

Molly- MOLE + MOLLY, blind girl that can never tell who's talking (very annoying).  

Dave- the ‘normal’ guy 

Fade In

Rose

Hello everyone; It’s very nice to see you all.  We have a few new members joining us this week, so why don’t we go around and introduce ourselves. (looks to her left at Pamela)

Camela

OK, well my name is Pamela...most of you know me as Camela, and i’ve been dealing with my ‘situation’ for nearly four yrs now and...although i’ve come to accept that this is who I am, I’m still very self conscious about my...(turns to show her double back humps)

Kitty Vegas

(rudely, to himself)

‘Her humps, her humps, her lovely lady lumps’ 

(cut to Camela staring angrily) 

What?! 

(cut to Camela, still staring) 

At least you got a song written about you, girl! (gay snap)

Rose

hmm, OK, moving on...senor-

Senor Sloth

Allo, I am Senor Sloth and I was bitten by a sloth when I was on vacation...

(dozes off; Camela shoves him, ‘Hey!’)

This week I tried to stop a robbery...but then I didn’t.

(looks to his left at Dave)

Dave

I’m dave and...um...I’m here for obvious reasons.  I totally dig the whole dress up thing and I’ve had a few girlfriends call me half man, half amazing, so...

Frankie

Nice to meet you Dave...and all of the other newbies.  My name is Frankie, the Human Chihuaha and (yells) could everyone please stop looking at me!

Rose

It’s OK Frankie

(cut to Frankie shaking even more than usual, curling up in a ball)

Next! 

(everyone looks at Molly and she says nothing)

Kitty Vegas

Mole-y?

Molly

(looking all around) Who said that!  My name is Molly!  You know my name and it’s very rude of you to make fun...so, stop it!

(Camela mouths to Kitty Vegas to stop it)

Kitty Vegas

OK then...for those of you that don’t know who I am...Is that possible?...Well, anyway, if by chance you don’t recognize me I’m Kitty Vegas and...I was the one mauled by one of Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers (growls) so, here I am.  Back to you, Rose.

Rose

Thank you Kitty and you all for having the courage to be here.  My name is Rose and I’ve been coming to these meetings for longer than I can remember.  My life changed when I had an encounter with a skunk many many yrs. ago.  After it happened I commited my life to fighting crime and did so for many more yrs before eventually retiring this past yr...but I still stink.

Frankie

Don’t you think it’s ironic that your name is Rose and your stinky?

Rose

Yes Frankie, just as ironic as last week when you asked.

(cut to Frankie shaking and laughing at himself)

 So, does someone want to get us started?

(Camela raises her hand)

Go ahead.

Camela

This week was my sister’s birthday and we went out to celebrate and ended up at this fancy bar in the city and there were all of these really hot guys, who, of course I didn’t talk to, but there was this one guy who was...like us.  so, anyways, we started talking and he seemed really nice and I thought he was so into me, so when the bar closed and he was leaving with his friends I gave him my number and...

Molly

And what, what happened?

Camela

He looked me in the eye and said, ‘I could never go out with a girl that has one hump on her back, nevermind two.’

Senor Sloth 

Wow, that’s horrible.

Camela

But, that’s not it.  Then, as he’s walking away he tells his friends, ‘Guess what, Quazimoto tried to give me her number!’

Rose

What an asshole-

Frankie

(interrupts)

If my mother puts one more blanket on my bed I’m going to go insane!  

Kitty Vegas

(sarcastic)

Yeah Frankie, you’ve definitely got the worst of it. Camela can’t get a date and you want us to throw you a pity party for having a loving mom.

Frankie

I’m not cold!  I’m nervous!  Why can’t she understand that!

Senor Sloth

I went to visit my mother and she was so...

(dozes off and then reawakens) 

...happy to see me.

Kitty Vegas

(sarcastic)

Let me say that I absolutely love to hear about all of your mothers, really, but this week I managed to save a women from a burning building.

Dave

oh, so you’re a fireman.

Kitty Vegas

What?  (turns to Dave) Who is he? 

Rose

So, what happened?

KItty

Well, I saved this woman and she was so beautiful, a Lana Turner type, so anyways, I figure I saved her life so how can she say no to going out with me, so I ask her...and she laughs at me.

(everyone gasps)

Yeah, she laughed.  And then she says to me, ‘But, you’re a homosexual’.

Molly

Is that Kitty?  You are a homosexual.

Kitty 

No, I am not a homosexual.  I like girls...hot, curvy, sexy girls.

Rose

She’s just teasing Kitty.  Dave, would you like to share?

Dave

Let me start by saying this, you guys are all pretty pathetic...

Kitty

Thank you Captain Obvious, but what’s your point.

Dave

Well, it’s just...I mean, I can certainly see why you all like to drink-

Rose

We do no such thing!

Camela

I haven’t had a drink in five and a half weeks!

Dave

You’re serious?

Rose

Completely.

Dave

This is room 214, right?

Kitty

No, dumbass, It’s room 241.

Dave

(gets up)

Really...OK, I think I may have...ended up at the wrong meeting.

(walks out)

It was...really great to meet you all and...good luck. 

**

Cut to Black

**

Dave exits.  Everyone looks around at each other confused.

Kitty

What was that?-

Cut to hallway.  Dave is walking, reading a message on his cell phone.  He looks back to make sure no one is around and rips open his shirt to reveal a superhero costume and runs out at super speed (alla the Flash)